What is your relationship with sex?

Sex is one of those topics that most people are uncomfortable talking about, and it’s pretty obvious why. Over the years, religion repressed sex in our society so much that it’s given psychotherapists, like Sigmund Freud, an eternity of work. This sacred natural act got condemned to be a sinful shameful act against God. For centuries people have had to enjoy (or not) sex in the privacy of their bedrooms, under the strictest of conditions, and under the eyes of a judgmental God. Yep, mood killer.

On the other hand, modern-day media sensationalizes it. Either you are having too much, or not enough. You’re the slut or a prude. The magazines and blogs lure you in with all of the new “tips and tricks” to remind you that you are never quite good enough. They use sex to sell everything. Yet somehow, at the end of the day, society still feels dirty and ashamed about it.

Sexuality is an important part of life. We literally wouldn’t survive as a species without it. Transforming it from the physical, to the emotional, to the spiritual level can shift your entire perspective on its power and meaning. Sex is sacred, and it should be treated so.

“Sex has to be part of your spiritual life, it has to be something sacred. Sex has to be something not obscene, not pornographic, not condemned, not repressed but immensely respected, because we are born out of it. It is our very life force. And to condemn the life force is to condemn everything.”

- Osho

Sex, if allowed, can be a powerful vehicle for spiritual enlightenment. In the ancient practice of Tantra, having sex becomes more than the simple act of reaching an orgasm. It is about deep emotional connection and enjoying the journey rather than focusing solely on the climax. A natural spiritual way to connect your mind, body and soul.

Tantra is a practice that takes dedication, from both partners. Make sure to remain patient and open with your partner, as it is likely one of you will advance through certain parts of the practice faster than the other. That’s ok. This is a marathon, not a sprint. The less judged your partner feels, the more they will open up to the experience. And that means better sex for both of you.

• Communication is Key. Set aside some alone with your partner to just talk. Chat about what’s on your mind, any fears you may have, and explore your fantasies. Go deeper to establish a new level of intimacy. It may seem too sensitive and personal, and sometimes you may be ashamed of the things that turn you on, but be radically honest with them. You might just get exactly what you ask for.

• Get to Know Your Body. Explore your needs, what turns you on, what doesn’t. What feels good, what doesn’t. Do some exploring on your own.

• Relax. Relax. Relax. This one is particularly for the ladies. I know we have difficulty letting go of the whole day and surrendering to sex. It’s like we feel guilty for feeling good when there is so much to do. Learn to relax. Take an epsom salt bath. Tell your partner to rub some coconut oil on your back and give you a relaxing massage. Let your whole body ease up.

• Foreplay. Sex is more than just penetration. It starts way before you reach the bedroom. It’s the looks you give each other, the kisses, the touch, the massages. Longer foreplay = better sex.

• Synch Your Breaths Together. Kind of like meditation, focus on your breathing. Then on your partner’s breathing. Now breathe in sync with each other. Something magical begins to happen, you start to really connect.

• Be Vocal. Learn to speak about your needs during sex. It’s not meant to be a silent process. Tell them what is and isn’t working. This opens the lines of communication and you’ll likely get feedback from your partner as well. Also, don’t be shy about making pleasurable sounds — it’s been proven that this opens up the pleasure receptors in the brain.

• Let Go of the Concept of Time. Like in meditation, if you find yourself thinking, bring your awareness back to the present moment.

• Be Spontaneous. Catch a vibe. If you feel sexy with your partner at a random time, follow the moment. It doesn’t matter if you haven’t finished your work, or the kids are in the other room. Find a way, even if it’s a hot quickie.

• Focus on quality not quantity. More sex doesn’t mean great sex. Focus on the details, linger in the tasty moments, enjoy and savor them. Make quality time and focus on your partner.

• Ditch the Wine. Have completely sober sex and stay connected with your partner the entire time. You will learn so much about your body and your needs when you don’t have any kind of stimulants in your system. Try it and see how it feels.
  

If you’re interested in learning more about Tantra, read our article What is Tantra?